anytime anywhere

In the past 2 weeks...

A scientist who's supposed to go on the cruise with me died of a heart attack. He's only 47 years old.

My flatmate's boyfriend was diagnosed with cancer 4 days ago. He's in his late twenties.

Life is so fragile and vulnerable. You'll never know what will happen tomorrow.

So don't wait - if you want something, go for it before it's too late.

1 week before the cruise

I'm leaving for the cruise next week, but I haven't prepared anything yet. Haven't started packing.

Don't feel like going, actually.

And am so busy in the past few weeks. Meeting, presentation, paper. I'm trying to submit a paper before the cruise, but I think it's next to impossible judging from the snail-crawling speed the writing is progressing. Sigh, I should have written it last year when I was still in Hokudai, then I wouldn't have to communicate with my former supervisor via email. Sigh, but at the end of the study there I was more interested in spending my last few weeks in Japan with Ric rather than writing a paper. So...

Anyway, nowadays I work from 9am to 10pm, sometimes even later. Not because I'm so hardworking, but because I'm so slow and I can't focus in daytime and the progress is really really slow - it really worries me.

I constantly feel I am stupid and don't have solid background knowledge and that I can't graduate. And it'll be an embarrassment to myself and my family.

And I'm going to take so much holiday next year - so I have to work extra hours to cover those holiday.

Unfortunately some colleagues think I'm a workaholics and that I'm crazy. Dunno how to explain to them. I can't possibly tell them because I'm slow, stupid and have no background knowledge so it takes me 2 times the time it take them?

I could probably tell them this, but I don't think they'll believe me. And worse they might think I'm a liar or that I like to exaggerate.

Already my boss Ludwig thought I'm a perfectionist because I expressed my doubt about the significance of my master thesis and the presentation, he went: hmm it's always not good enough for you huh?

Anyway, I have to go to bed. I think I'm going blind soon, because I can't see clearly with my glasses on. Probably the astigmatism deteriorated a lot in the past few months because I read too much.

everything screams R

Went to Klimahaus yesterday with M. It's some sort of science center with a focus on the earth climate. They had a very creative approach in teaching the kids about the different climate zone and what will happen to these different climate regimes in the future. Instead of having boring and conventional display of items, the exhibition is made like a journey around the earth along the longitude. You take a train from the city Bremerhaven, go southward to Switzerland, to Africa, to Antarctica, Samoa, Alaska and back to your current city. Very creative, I could imagine how much fun the kids have.

I had fun too, M is probably the person I got along best here. She's very entertaining and considerate, whenever she's with me she speaks English to her Spanish-speaking friends. Still, with such great company, I got kinda sentimental at the end of the day.

The science center reminded me of Ric.

The first time we met was in a biking trip to a science center in Shin Sapporo. I remembered him dozing off in the planetarium, heck he even snored before being rudely awaken by us.;-)

Today I walked around the city Bremen with a graduate from Hokudai, K who's here for sampling. Walked around the old streets, spent hours in museum, went to park. None of these really resembled Hokkaido but they somehow reminded me of Ric. I was with K but the whole time I couldn't stop thinking about Ric.

I guess I can't do any more sightseeing, or be with any Japanese people without thinking of him.

There's more.

X'mas is coming soon. There're lotsa christmas decor in the shopping center. In addition, many temporary stalls and shops are being built on the main shopping street in the city. Everyday, when I walk pass these stalls and booths, I can't not think of him. We've been to many events and carnivals in Hokkaido, which were full of this kind of stalls. I always wanted to buy snack from these stalls but he didn't like it.

At the main shopping street, there's even an igloo shaped tents called Igloo Bar or something like that. It reminded me of the Ice Bar we visited in Asahikawa earlier this year, only this Ice Bar is not a tent but was really built out of ice.

Sigh......

Will leave for the cruise after 10days... haven't even started preparing yet. The truth is, I don't know what to prepare. What do I need to bring with me on board the ship for 2 months? The only thing I can think of is my laptop and clothes.

a day in my office

As I have probably mentioned before, there are currently 6 of us sharing 1 office. It's way too crowded sometimes it's suffocating.

This morning, when I was trying to read something, I heard

&%$'#)""('&)$ Oui oui '&#%$)# (In French)
Ni zai gan ma? Wo chuan hao duo cen yi fu... ni bu leng mah? (In Shrilly Chinese)

Sometimes there is conversation in Russian and of course, German as well.

It's still OK if only one of them is talking. But when 2 or 3 are speaking at the same time, I have the feeling I'm in an international call center. Especially my neighbour, who voice chat online daily sitting less than 1m away from me. Sometimes I get a bit irritated (especially when I cannot understand the difficult paper because I'm dumb but I choose to blame it on others) I'll imagine myself smashing my pen and paper extra hard onto the table and storm out of the office.

Of course, this is just my imagination. I'd never have the guts to do it. I know, I'm kinda hypocritical - I have bad barbaric thoughts but I act otherwise. In fact I'm not sure - maybe it shows on my face because I'm not too good at hiding my emotion and feelings, but certainly no radical moves.

Another thing with having 5 office mates is privacy issue. For some unknown reason, for instance, when I asked the French gal M something about our cruise, I saw the Chinese gal P and German guy L looking at me and obviously, were listening to our conversation. Same thing happened when I went over to L to make a cup of coffee (coffee machine is on his desk). P actually turned around and looked at me and L. And while L were asking me about my plan after the cruise, with P still looking at us, M also joined in our conversation - and evolved into L coming over to my desk and staring at my email inbox list while I was trying to find my electronic flight ticket amid the hundred emails (he wanted to have a look at the ticket and M wanted some details of the flight). How do I know he's staring at my inbox list and it's not just my imagination? Well because after a few seconds he suddenly exclaimed: hey! that's my supervisor!

Me: Who?
Him: This guy MM! You got some emails from him! He's really a nice guy. He's fair, and he's really good in what he's doing. Although he's strict and expects a lot, but... he's just nice, not only at work! He's also very nice in personal life. (he actually said this senior scientist is very nice in his personal life, which kinda baffled me - I mean, how? But anyway I guess I should really go see this scientist to ask his opinion on my crappy data and also to see how nice he is at work and also in his personal life)

Anyway, I think L and the Russian gal J are not really enjoying the overcrowded office now. J rarely sits at her desk now, she would rather be in her bf's office I guess. And L has been leaving really early nowadays, not that he usually stays late in the office. When there're only 2 of us in te office, he usually stays until 4.15pm. Now? He left at 2pm. When you consider the time he comes in in the morning (9.45am), it's obvious he doesn't really enjoy being in the office.

Me too, am no exception. Yesterday I spent the whole afternoon working in the library. It's quiet there, more privacy, and much better view. And oh yes - minus the smell/odour. ;-)

On an unrelated note, I really like the Chilean gal MC. Not only because she invited me to a short trip to an ancient artists colony just outside the city of Bremen, and also the fact that she kind of reminds me of Betty Suarez in the drama series "Ugly Betty" (no no, not the appearance but the charm and warmth), but she's really friendly and helpful. I feel so free and uninhibited when I talk to her, it's like I can almost be myself, like when I'm with Ric. I also kinda like the Columbian guy who just finished his study. He's also very friendly and he has many lame jokes than makes people laugh. I felt really sad when he came to my office to bid farewell. Well, not that we're particularly close, but because he's one of the few acquaintances I have and like. I guess this is the Latino charm. ;-)

tales of friends

A moment ago was chatting with a friend, S, online. We studied in the same faculty for 5 years and never talked to each other! We've actually been in some courses together for a couple of semesters even, and never talked. It's amazing how antisocial I was back then. Not to say I'm a very sociable person now, but at least I try. ;-)

This friend is in Hamburg now, which is 3hours away from my place. And we're making plans for me to visit her and spend some weekends there.

The same went for another girl, Y, who was in another course but in the same faculty. 5 years in the same faculty, walked the same corridor and attending lectures in the same halls, but we've never talked to each other until we graduated and I started my PhD (which I quit several months later). Well, at least I did benefit from her solution/answer to past year exams. LOL.

And now we are all in Europe! and we're making plans to visit each other, which is several hours away.

See, we didn't talk when we're inches away, but we become friends and try to get in touch when we're several hours away by train or even flight. How odd, eh?

It just goes to show that the world works in a magical way. There're plenty of surprises in life.

In addition, I will stay at a friend's place during my 1 week vacation in Wellington. We met during a workshop and we shared the same room for almost 3 weeks.

And the Turkish girl I met in a youth hostel in Anchorage is making plan for a trip to Cappadocia in May next year. Us and her mother. And she offered me to stay at her place during my stay in Turkey. Am still not sure whether I could make it because I'd have pretty much taken all my annual leaves after my Iran trip.

But still, how nice to have friends in various countries. ;-)

oh boy he stinks

When I first came here, there're only me and L in the office. Now there're 6 of us. Over-crowded indeed. And now I have a Chinese guy sitting right next to me in the office.

Anyway, I admit that I dunno what to say to this guy; and he never talks to anyone in the office, except the other Chinese girl. I'm not a talkative person myself, so I get that. The only problem is - he stinks.

I think it's probably his jacket. That waft of unpleasant smell propagate towards my seat from time to time, and I find it pretty revolting. Not to mention that his friend comes here quite often and they talk freely as if it's his living room. I find that annoying as well. I mean, for god's sake I'm trying to read something so that I can explain my crappy data!

Anyway, I've been wondering whether I should tell him to do something about that smell. But knowing me (a coward!), I knew I won't do it. The boldest thing I will do is probably buy some air freshener or potpouri, something strong enough to overcome the unpleasant smell.

This is a cruel world, I know. And people could be mean. Apparently I'm part of the world. ;-)

holiday plan

Will leave for Chile in less than 1 month. Really looking forward to see Chile, even though I have only 1 day before I have to get on board the research vessel to start our 2 months long cruise across Pacific Ocean.

Should really plan for the 1 week holiday in New Zealand after the cruise, and also the 1 month holiday in Iran in March. Ahh, hate planning.

5 weeks holiday next year. That's a long long vacation, no? ;-) That's why I am working my ass off now, to make up for the working time I'm gonna lose next year. But it's not going so smoothly at work right now, I guess I pretty much used up my luck in my study in Japan.

On the way home today, was thinking that maybe I'm putting too much hope on my Iran trip. I'm so looking forward to the trip and can't wait to go there. Everything in my life sorta gravitates around the trip now. But what comes after the trip? I might be lost because I'll have nothing to look forward to. Well, not until I've found another thing to look forward to. ;-)

But then again, I told myself, seize the day and live in the moment. Why worry about having nothing to look forward to even before my current goal is accomplished?

Who knows what will happen after that? Maybe I will not live to return to Germany. ;-)

As someone once said: Don't worry about tomorrow before tomorrow arrives.

post 666

I can't believe this is my 666th post. I have written so much craps on this blog!

Just came back from a party. I'd say my life here is pretty different from the one in Japan and Skudai. For some reason, I really try to socialize more here. Maybe it's because I'm lonely here, or maybe it's because I found it easier to fit in. People here like talking about their experience in foreign countries or expedition, the kind of topic that I have something to share. Well, if only I can talk more. Sometimes I wonder how could a person who lived in Japan for 3months has more to say about Japan than me - who lived in Japan for 3 years. Again, it's all dependent on how talkative and how good you can express yourself.

Of course, I never fit in the crowd no matter where I am. I never enjoy making small talk. Never like drinking.

I dunno. I didn't really socialize back in my uni time in Skudai. I only hang out with my course mates, who also happened to my housemates.

In Japan, well, before I met Ric, I spent most of my time sulking and being depressed, watching drama series in my cozy room. I did go out occasionally with some friends, but sometimes I had to really make an effort to push myself to go out from my room. I know it's strange, but it's true - I just don't feel like being with people. But when I actually be with some friends, sometimes it could be really enjoyable. So, I think I'm weird.

Post Ric? I spent all my time with him, and enjoyed every moment of it. In fact, whenever I think of Japan and Sapporo, he's in most of the memories. Lately I've been seeing Sapporo in building, streets and sky in Bremerhaven. Dunno, blame it on the cold weather. Or the dusky sky. Or the light coming from the apartment. Man, I missed him so much.

After I came here... I tried to get more friends, tried to fit in. So I started drinking. Who can blame me? All social activity here involves drinking. Got a bit drunk on several occasions, but I think I'm getting better now. Today I drank 3 glasses of wine, 1 bottle of beer and 3 cocktails and didn't get drunk.

Lately I've been thinking - why nobody ever told me communication skill is so important in order to be a scientist? I really got the impression that the only thing that matter here is how good you can socialize and talk to people. Working like a slave in lab really doesn't matter so much here.

To be relevant in this field, you have to talk to people, expand your network and make friends and get as many collaborators as possible. You have to mingle and make friends in conferences and workshops. And all these involves drinking, and sometimes dancing as well - things I'm not good at. And I don't feel too comfortable doing them.

Seriously, I dunno who or what should I blame. I wish I can be more articulate. More humorous. Better in dancing or singing. More talkative.

Anyway, back to the party tonight. I wasn't even close to the friend who invited me over. We met when I first got here. Frank asked him to show me how to take a bus to the guesthouse of my institute. After that we didn't meet or talk for months, until recently when he sold his furniture to me because he's moving. After that he also helped me with my Farsi and also my visa application.

He got married to his French girlfriend 2 weeks ago in Denmark, in spite of objection from the girl's parents. When I see them together, it kinda reminds me of me and Ric. So probably that's what my friends felt when they saw me and Ric together? ;-) Well, they're luckier than us, at least my friend doesn't have to return to Iran. They can have a new life in the US.

Sometimes it's tough to be the one without a partner. Unlike in my former university in Japan where most people in the lab were single, most people here have girlfriend or boyfriend. I just can't not think about Ric whenever I see friends hugging, or doing those "gf/bf thing".

Anyway, so much has happened in the past few months but I wasn't in the mood to write. Ever since the moment I decided to have a vacation in Iran I became happier. Well, now I have something to look forward to. In fact I was surprised at my own determination to learn Farsi. I couldn't believe that I taught myself to read and write the Persian script and after a few weeks I'm still learning the language - which means it's not just a temporary craze. Not only the language, I've read several books about the culture and bit of history of Persia and they really opened my eyes. For the first time I could understand some of Ric's behaviour and grammatical mistakes in English which used to puzzle me. I know, I should have done this when we're together, but when you're together you just wouldn't bother doing it, and you had no time - because all I could think of was how to spend our time together, certainly not how to learn as much Farsi as possible. After all, I constantly felt that we had limited time together, so we must spend all our time together doing something fun and interesting. That surely didn't involve him teaching me Farsi.

Hmmm... I didn't achieve anything significant in the past 5months here, but I feel like I learned something in life. Dunno what exactly, but I feel more like a grown up now. It could be because I have some friends who are married? Or because I hang out with people who are well-traveled? People from diverse background? People who cares about quality of life instead of getting a boring well paid job, buying car houses and making financial investment? I attended so many conferences/workshop and I talked to so many strangers? Or is it because I'm on first name term with the professors and scientists here it makes me feel older than I really am?

love is...

What is love? Really?

I thought I knew. But it turns out, I don't.

Anyone care to tell me?

And if there's love, where does the love go when you're no longer together due to impossible circumstances?

The older I get, the more I don't understand myself.

The more I don't understand about the world I'm living in.

way of communication

I don't talk a lot nowadays, especially if I work in the lab in university. Most of the time I'm in the lab alone, or with the tall lanky cool technician who (maybe) hates me. Different if I work in the office in my institute, at least I will have lunch with other PhD students in the institute, also I'll at least exchange some words with my labmates.

Anyway, today is a lab day. So I had to wake up early, only to find my flatmate in the bathroom. Believe it or not, 5 of us sharing a flat with only ONE bathroom. Waited and waited, I had only 20min to wash up and have breakfast before the bus leave. Then the same routine - rush to the train station, squeeze my way through the crowd (people here don't line up, very malaysian), hope the train will arrive late because i don't feel like working, arrive in bremen and wait for the tram to university, again while on board the tram hope that i'll arrive late, and finally arrive at the lab and am forced to start my work.

Anyway, I went to lunch early today. After lunch, while waiting in line to get my after-lunch coffee, I saw the technician and he raised his papercup at me and smiled before exiting the cafe.

On my way back to lab, I saw him sitting under the sun, and he saw me. So in spite of my fear of him, I had to go over and attempt some small talks.

OK, I have to give some background information. From day one I had the feeling that this technician disliked me. On the very first few days, once he came over and asked me whether I broke some flasks. I said no, but he didn't seem to believe me! He said: I saw some broken flasks in the bin, did you break them?

Not only that. Once I left the nitrogen blower on while going to lunch, didn't realize that the system here worked faster than the one I used in Japan. So when i was back from lunch, the technician said in his cold voice: you should keep an eye on your samples! you're wasting nitrogen gas.

Great, since then I never leave my samples under blower unsupervised. But I can feel that his eyes are constantly on my back, waiting for me to make a mistake so that he can reprimand me. And he did. Once I was off for 2min, and when I was back, he said to me: you're wasting the nitrogen again! you should switch off the gas and leave the samples on the hot plate because the solvent is almost dry.

I was a bit upset, but what can I say? I did try not to "waste" gas. Maybe my best is not good enough for him.

For these reasons, I'm very afraid of him. I almost stutter when I talk to him. Sometimes when I asked him something I had the feeling that he's reluctant to teach me, but he's the person to ask. So like it or not, I have to ask him and let him think whatever he wants of me. Stupid? Wasteful? Whatever.

After working in the lab for 2months, I got more used to it, and got a hang of things. Had a rough idea how things are run in the lab. You see, nobody bothered to tell me, so I kind of learn from mistakes (and from cold harsh comments from the technician).

The day when the ice between me and the technician was broken was probably the day he saw me labeling a container in German. He actually smiled brightly at me and said: oh you can write German. Me: hah but I dunno how to pronounce it.

I made an attempt to pronounce the word and he said: ya perfect.

And today we made small talk over coffee. About his bosses in the lab, about traveling, about labwork.

Nothing much, but it made my day. Well, by now you could probably tell how lonely and miserable I am here. Even a brief contact with an almost stranger could "make my day".

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On the way home, walking past the square, a kid approached me and talked to me in German. I told him I don't understand German. He kept jabbering on. I noticed his lips were blue thanks to the blue popsicle in his hand. Weird.

Then two of his friends skated towards us and started saying something.

Anyway, in the end, I kind of figured out what they're saying, The boys asked me where I am from. China? Japan?

I said no, Malaysia. Bewilderment on their faces. Sometimes I wish I'm from a more famous country. Even Thailand is more famous than Malaysia.

The tallest boy asked me whether I speak German, I said no and they left after thanking me.

Weird.

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In the lab, the visiting scientist from the US talked to me while drying his samples. Again, for the 3rd or 4th times, he thought I'm from Indonesia. Why nobody seems to be able to remember Malaysia?

He told me the Japanese scientist I met last week was currently working with a very famous prof named Kai-something here in Germany. I said I dunno. He repeated the name several times, but I really dunno who this guy is.

He went: oh really?!! You don't know who he is? Have you been living in vacuum all these times?!

While saying that, he ran his hand along my upper arm towards elbow. Well, my right arm was stretched in front of him because I was pipetting samples. But was it necessary to touch my arm? It would be more appropriate if he gave me a pet on my shoulder.

Man, that was really weird!

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Back in my room, met the Turkish gal online. We met in the youth hostel in Alaska. I lent her my laptop for one whole night so that she could chat with her then boyfriend for 5 hours. Poor gal, no camera no laptop.

She went back to Alaska this year. Summer work. Her English improved a lot. She broke up with the possessive boyfriend who insisted she shouldn't go out without him.

Anyway, she invited me to visit her in Izmir next year, and offered to take me to Cappadocia. On top of that, her mom would be happy to have a foreign guest and would prepare all the authentic Turkish food.

And she called me honey, which strikes me as a little strange. ;-)

Anyway, I'm more interested in going to Turkey than other European countries. I hope she meant what she said. After all the disappointing "fake invitation (friends seem so enthusiastic when we talk about it but actually they didn't mean it.. it's empty talk)", I kinda learn to not put in too much hope on invitations from friends, no matter how genuine they sound.

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I'm in love with Coldplay's "Life in Technicolor".